You know, I had this entire thing planned out this morning, one of those shower conversations you have with yourself occasionally. But of course the moment I brought up DA in a new tab, -poof- there it goes. Anyway, I'll just have to swing it from here, eh?
First off, I wish to apologize to the people I've been close with in the past and have drifted from in recent times. It was me becoming selfish and self-obsessed that has done this, and I still care for you all deeply, as you were there for me in my times of need. However recently it has seemed I haven't done the same for you.
Some might call it an epiphany, or a wake-up call, for me it was life telling me that my ass is not a hat and that I need to invest in those that were with me at my worst, and not those that appeared at my best. This epiphany came to me in the past couple of months, and then again last thursday, the day after my 18th.
A couple of months back, two of my 'friends' revealed themselves to be using me, though not through their own tongues did they reveal this. It was through their actions, and it was obvious that although I perceived them as friends, they perceived me as something to be used and thrown away until needed once more.
After this event, my anxiety and depression reclaimed lands once theirs for a short period of time, once even drawing blood before I decided to take a few steps and shove them back in a box. My anxiety still evades me occasionally, but it's not as unruly as it once was, it only occasionally interferes with my life.
Anxiety is my main reason this is an open letter, as I feel sending notes to people out of the blue would send me over the edge, and this is also the reason I've not replied to comments and such. (Looking back at them, they still sit there after months have gone by.)
Last thursday was a kick in the ass on my part and got me to finally write this, it's been sitting in the back of my head for a little while but procrastination is one of my faults.
As some of you may know, last year in june, my cat went in for an operation and was diagnosed with a Fibrosarcoma on her back, just beneath her shoulder blades. The operation seemed to be successful, however last tuesday it was discovered that she had another lump next to the previous fibrosarcoma site and needed to be operated on again. She had the operation on thursday and it wasn't brilliant news, there were three or four more lumps directly beneath the top lump and they had to operate all the way down to the muscle tissue. There is no knowing how much time I will have left with her, as if the lump grows back it will be unlikely they will operate again.
This may sound like a trivial matter to some, but to me it is like loosing a family member and a best friend. She has been my companion for going on 11 years, with me through thick and thin, and never once has she turned her back on me like almost everyone I know. She is not a cat to me, she is a person, a beautiful, vibrant creature, and in all honesty I cannot imagine life without her. However her most recent operation has put various things in perspective as eventually I will have to say good-bye to her, and it is most likely that this will happen within the next two years, if I'm lucky.
Though this had little to do with this letter, these events have brought me to focus upon those that were in my life and supported me through my hardest times, those that invested time in me when no one else did. I wish to say I'm sorry for not being there when I may have been needed, but I am happy that you've found others who will stand by you when I was too self-obsessed to.
So.. I, uh, just kinda needed to get that outta my system. Disregard if you want.